Running on Ice

Where does the time go
Spinning my wheels
Standing still
It's like running on ice
I only gain a little distance when I fall

How did I become a molecule
In the concrete of this city
Indifferent to my endless motion
In a space too small to see
Nonetheless expected to be
I only get a little attention when I fall

Chorus:
And I'm falling
Falling down
Falling
Falling down

Cursed with reason
In a world so defiant
Without conclusion
This is the story
The story we live out
And it is the moral too
Look at me I'm falling for you

Shaking, crying
Hating lying to myself
I'm tired of telling myself it's OK
To be this tired
This sick and tired of the turns the world takes
And the people that it makes us be

And lately it appears to me that I'm falling down... --"Falling Down" Vertical Horizon

I searched the internet for a complete sound bite/you.tube of this song, because the lyrics, while fabulously apropos to my situation in life, are nothing without the frame of the song. Alas, this song is so old/obscure, it hasn't even an entry! Anyway, 'tis a great song, and it sums up very nicely how I've been feeling these last few weeks. A whole lot of running without a lot to show for it. We have received contracts, had them reviewed, and have all but signed one on the dotted line. Yes, I believe I have found a new job and the start of a whole new chapter in the life of the Whoo family. Hopefully for the better! We have also begun readying the house to put on the market, and begun research on daycares and houses in NewCity. I feel like I can't totally relax until the ink is dry on the paper, yet I am anxious to move forward. It is an unsettling place to be.

My grandfather passed away in the middle of all of it, and I think I am still coming to terms with the loss. Trying to explain death and dying to a four year old, while trying to keep yourself together is quite a task. CindyLou cut straight to the heart with several of her questions. (Why did he have to die? I liked it when he was alive. Are *you* old/sick? Why do people die?) We tried to be as direct as possible with her, but damn, that was hard. I'm also sad for my grandmother, who has lost her partner of nearly 60 years. It breaks my heart to see her try to pick up the pieces and move on. This loss has also solidified in my mind how important it is to seize this day/this moment, for we may not have a tomorrow.

As for day to day life, we seem to have found a nice groove lately. My schedule has been miraculously corrected (and it only took a couple of years of whining, begging, and groveling), leaving me a little more breathing room at the office. As a result, I've been getting out of the office on time, getting more home time with the kids, and am having, in general, more satisfaction in life. It's funny that everything started improving once I had made the final decision to move on...like an abusive relationship or something. It makes you a little wistful for "what could have been," but it doesn't change the malignancy lurking just beneath the surface. I know the best decision for our family is to move upward and onward from here, but we will have fond memories of this place.

Also, fall is here, my very favorite season, and along with it, college football! Yay for cooler weather, changing leaves, and sweaty men fighting over the pigskin! I'm also really enjoying my most recent crop of patients. I have several this month committed to laboring on their own, and not pestering me for induction starting at 36 weeks. Also in the coming month, I will (hopefully) get to deliver the 3rd baby of one of my favorite patients (I got to deliver 1 and 2!) I feel so privileged to play a part in helping their family grow. So, for now, I am happy. Moving forward in life, enjoying my family, and looking forward to better days ahead. Life is good.

Response

This is a response to the scathing comment below from a very "brave" (ha) anonymous poster, 9/3/08, 5:06 pm. Actually, I *am* quite fed up and burned out. It comes with the territory of being taken for granted and treated as less than human. Chances are, your physician(s) are too, whether you get to see it or not. I'm all about patient education, in the office, during normal work hours. Not at 2 am in the morning. Sorry, and I don't think you'll find another professional around who would be happy to "educate" their clients about trivial things in the middle of the night. (Just try calling your plumber to ask them which drain cleaner is best at 2 am, see how far you get.) Again, it's people like you, who seem to think that doctors should be superhuman, that are driving physicians out of the practice of medicine...in droves. Also, anon nasty poster (9/9)that I chose not to publish. I'm glad you aren't coming back, and it is *my* blog, so *of course* it is self centered! Geez. Apparently *some* people don't get the concept of venting!