To Get to the Other Side

There are times in life when everything seems to fall right in to place, and then, there are times like now. I can see the shimmering oasis of a new life, just on the horizon. A better call schedule, closer to family and friends, a chance to work in a collegial (not competitive) environment, more time with my precious kids and husband, and a chance to grow as a physician. Between the oasis and where I stand, however, is a treacherous, rock-filled, rapid river, swirling and threatening my ability to ever reach the opposite shore.

Obstacle #1 - Our house is on the market, and we have shown it at least a dozen times. Yet, despite positive overall feedback, not a single offer. I don't mean to boast, but our house is a beautiful house. I love it. I was ready to buy it the second I walked through the front door, and I can't believe that everyone else that sees it doesn't feel the same way. We never thought we would have to sell this house. Maybe we should have thought about selling it before we bought it. If we don't sell before we move, we'll have a hefty house payment, along with any rent payment we need to pay in Newville. This alone will be a financial strain.

Obstacle #2 - Mr. Whoo has yet to find a job, nor procure an interview in Newville. Granted, he has only starting looking in earnest recently. However, he is looking for work in the finance world, which isn't the best place to be seeking employment given the current state of our economy. We have been fortunate that he was able to quit his job last fall when our family really needed it, but now we worry that the employment gap may cause an impetus with new employers. Plus, without an additional income after the move, there will be more financial strain on our family. (See Obstacle #1)

Obstacle #3 - My current place of employment is not letting me go without a fight. There have been veiled and outright threats of lawsuits and damages and liabilities for me leaving earlier than my contract had mandated. There is also the matter of giving back a portion of student loans paid by the hospital. The fact that we would have to pay back was not unexpected, however, the amount that we calculated is about half of what the hospital estimates. We are procuring the services of a contract negotiator and a lawyer, who seem to believe we have a case for inducement, but I'm having angina just thinking of it. Not to mention the fact that, if the hospital's calculations are correct, they want us to pay up in less than 2 months. Add more financial liability to the swirly, cold, and fast water.

Obstacle #4 - Emotionally, I am wrung out. I am completely exhausted, and barely hanging on by my fingernails to make it to the date I indicated I was leaving. Being on call, continuously, with only 4 days off per month (plus vacation time), has left me completely burnt out. I find it hard to drag myself to work and muster compassion for my patients. They deserve better than the doctor I am right now. My health, mental and physical, is suffering. The remainder of my contract is a mere six months, and by finishing it out, I can alleviate much of the financial burden of the above obstacles...for the price of my very sanity. I want to cry just thinking of it.

So, I sit here on the bank, pining for the oasis, and unsure how to navigate the obstacles that lie before me. Oddly, I am reminded of the "old school" computer game, "The Oregon Trail." When faced with a river, you can try to ford the river, float the river, or hire someone else to help you across. Right now, I am pining desperately for someone to throw me a life line, or at the very least, a strategy for surviving these treacherous waters. The best advice I can relate to our readers is to know what you are getting in to before you sign a contract. There is no such thing as a perfect job, and if it seems too good to be true, it, in all likelihood, *is* too good to be true. Caveat emptor...and pass the caulk.

*cross posted at Mothers in Medicine

Running on Ice

Where does the time go
Spinning my wheels
Standing still
It's like running on ice
I only gain a little distance when I fall

How did I become a molecule
In the concrete of this city
Indifferent to my endless motion
In a space too small to see
Nonetheless expected to be
I only get a little attention when I fall

Chorus:
And I'm falling
Falling down
Falling
Falling down

Cursed with reason
In a world so defiant
Without conclusion
This is the story
The story we live out
And it is the moral too
Look at me I'm falling for you

Shaking, crying
Hating lying to myself
I'm tired of telling myself it's OK
To be this tired
This sick and tired of the turns the world takes
And the people that it makes us be

And lately it appears to me that I'm falling down... --"Falling Down" Vertical Horizon

I searched the internet for a complete sound bite/you.tube of this song, because the lyrics, while fabulously apropos to my situation in life, are nothing without the frame of the song. Alas, this song is so old/obscure, it hasn't even an entry! Anyway, 'tis a great song, and it sums up very nicely how I've been feeling these last few weeks. A whole lot of running without a lot to show for it. We have received contracts, had them reviewed, and have all but signed one on the dotted line. Yes, I believe I have found a new job and the start of a whole new chapter in the life of the Whoo family. Hopefully for the better! We have also begun readying the house to put on the market, and begun research on daycares and houses in NewCity. I feel like I can't totally relax until the ink is dry on the paper, yet I am anxious to move forward. It is an unsettling place to be.

My grandfather passed away in the middle of all of it, and I think I am still coming to terms with the loss. Trying to explain death and dying to a four year old, while trying to keep yourself together is quite a task. CindyLou cut straight to the heart with several of her questions. (Why did he have to die? I liked it when he was alive. Are *you* old/sick? Why do people die?) We tried to be as direct as possible with her, but damn, that was hard. I'm also sad for my grandmother, who has lost her partner of nearly 60 years. It breaks my heart to see her try to pick up the pieces and move on. This loss has also solidified in my mind how important it is to seize this day/this moment, for we may not have a tomorrow.

As for day to day life, we seem to have found a nice groove lately. My schedule has been miraculously corrected (and it only took a couple of years of whining, begging, and groveling), leaving me a little more breathing room at the office. As a result, I've been getting out of the office on time, getting more home time with the kids, and am having, in general, more satisfaction in life. It's funny that everything started improving once I had made the final decision to move on...like an abusive relationship or something. It makes you a little wistful for "what could have been," but it doesn't change the malignancy lurking just beneath the surface. I know the best decision for our family is to move upward and onward from here, but we will have fond memories of this place.

Also, fall is here, my very favorite season, and along with it, college football! Yay for cooler weather, changing leaves, and sweaty men fighting over the pigskin! I'm also really enjoying my most recent crop of patients. I have several this month committed to laboring on their own, and not pestering me for induction starting at 36 weeks. Also in the coming month, I will (hopefully) get to deliver the 3rd baby of one of my favorite patients (I got to deliver 1 and 2!) I feel so privileged to play a part in helping their family grow. So, for now, I am happy. Moving forward in life, enjoying my family, and looking forward to better days ahead. Life is good.

Apathy

It's what's for dinner! (Quite seriously, we've ordered every form of takeout you can imagine this week!) It is the theme of the week. I just can't get excited or motivated about a darn thing. I assume that this is a typical problem, adjusting back to the daily grind after some much needed time off; I just can't seem to get back into the groove. At the heart of the matter, I'm aware, is the cold hard fact that I am tired of being tired. I find myself mentally withdrawing from my current place of employment. It isn't hard when you are welcomed back to the office with 8 patients scheduled in your first hour of the day. I'm over getting fired up about it. I've drawn out templates, been nice about it, stomped my feet about it, and taken it to the office manager that hates me, and nothing has changed. I know very much where I stand in this office. The writing is on the wall.

I know that staying in this position is no longer a viable solution, and while I know this will open up the chance for a much better life for me and my family, I am very sad about my patients. I am going to *miss* (most of) them a lot! Of course, I haven't told anyone that I am even looking for another position, and hope not to be forced to do so until I have a reliable back up option in place. You know, just in case they tell me to go ahead and get lost when I do reveal that I am seeking another opportunity. I find myself seeing my annual exams, and writing for a 12 month follow up visit, knowing full well that I'll likely already be gone. I feel so *deceptive*. I want to tell them to start looking now for a new physician. I'm so torn between my desire to get the heck out of dodge and make my life better, and the guilt I feel about leaving my patients. I've already gotten an attractive offer, but the catch is that they would like me to start in the early part of 2009. Ack! I'm not ready! I'll still have pregnant patients due then! How can I leave them mid-pregnancy? Don't get me wrong, I suffer no delusions that I am so awesome that all of my patients will be just crushed when I leave. I am *just* the doctor to the vast majority, I am certain, but I do know a few that will be crushed. The worst thing is that I let this guilt come to be on par with my family's need for a better lifestyle. My husband tries to reason that it is "just a job," but, to someone in medicine, it really is so much more.

On so many levels, I'm past ready to move on. I know that the decision I am making will be the best one for my family. I think the apathy that I am feeling is a resistance to the change that is coming. If I don't get things ready for leaving, like putting the house on the market or making the proper preparations to leave one practice for another, then it isn't truly real. It *is* real, and I need to embrace it. There is much to do...so I think I'll sit here and play on the Internet for a little while longer. Queen of procrastination, am I. If anyone out there has been in a similar situation, I'd love some advice on how you handled transitioning out of a busy practice. This is brand new territory for me, since leaving residency was inevitable, so I never worried about the aftermath of leaving. Sorry for such a downer of a post! I use the blog to get things organized in my mind, and this has been weighing heavily all week long. More fun filled L&D hi jinks soon, promise!

Is there life out there?

Wow, has it really been a month already? June was a veritable whirlwind. I finished out that last call and then embarked on a 3 week "tour of duty," visiting friends that we hadn't the opportunity to see for 2 years (eek) and also doing some interviewing. I wish that I could say that I've found the perfect job and everything is going to be happily ever after, but so far that hasn't happened. All of the interviews that I have had have gone wonderfully well, but it seems that I just can't find the dream combination. For example, I interviewed at a rather prestigious "big city hospital" and loved all of the aspects of the job. The facility, the physicians, the work schedule and call schedule were all great. The compensation was good, and, as cities go, the city was really nice. But....it is still a city. The housing prices, property taxes, and available homes are a little less than desirable, and while there are good schools there, I worry about raising my children in a larger city. At least there, I would have better chance of participating in their lives. I am moving forward with the next steps to see if this position is the right fit for us.

I also interviewed at another practice, in an area of the country where Mr. Whoo and I have always wanted to live. The practice was nice, hospital was beautiful, and, of course, the area was everything we wanted, but I sensed an underlying air of malignancy amongst the physicians working there. I could sense that they really were not friendly outside of work, there were several family member with controlling shares of the practice, and there were a few warning flags raised when discussing the financial aspects of the practice. So, while the area was perfect, the job was not. If anything, the visit cemented in our minds our desire to one day live in this area. We are continuing to look for other practices there, but so far, nothing has panned out.

I do know, as I've gone through this process, that there *is* life out there. Every day that I spend in this particular position, I am missing out on a better lifestyle. It gives me a lot of hope to see that I can still do the job that I love while simultaneously enjoying my life and family. It is just a matter now of finding the best fit.

In other news, it is crunch time for finishing my case list (due August 1!), and I find myself once again in the midst of 18 days straight of call (boo). My little baby Bean will be one year old on the 19th of this month (impossible). I am also very honored join a new blogging group of physician-mothers, Mothers in Medicine. This is an amazing group of women (regular posters and guest posters alike), and what they write hits home with me so much, I find it difficult not to comment on every post..."Me too!" "Oh, that's exactly how I feel!" etc. Check them out! I hope everyone is having a great weekend, and for my readers here in the US, I hope you are having a great time celebrating our country's birthday!